Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
