you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
