I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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