I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
