when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
