I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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