I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
