saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
