And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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