im having a threesome with these popsicles
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize