I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
