pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
