8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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