whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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