It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize