I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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