you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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