you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
