I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
