bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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