I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
well you can't waste a boner
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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