hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
