"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
