Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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