3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
