his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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