you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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