Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
