I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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