Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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