tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
