Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
