It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize