I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
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