I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
