Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
