I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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