Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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