Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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