Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
