I wannas sexs uuuuu
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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