Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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