Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
