this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
time to smoke my breakfast
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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