my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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