I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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