He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
