he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
