My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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