I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
