so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
