The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
