Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
