How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my sisters under your porch take her home
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
