i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
