You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You ruined the universe
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
