A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i dont even know how to be here
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
