i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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