I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
