Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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